What I'm doing is wrong.
But fuck it, I don't care.

And that's my problem.
I don't care. Never.
Why don't I?
One of these days, Karma is gonna catch up with me
and it's gonna be the end of me.
I'm not deserving of anything.
I'm not deserving of anyone.
I don't deserve to live, I honestly don't.
The world would've been a better place had I died in that car crash.
Why do I even bother with breathing? Seriously.
I AM FUCKING NOTHING BUT UNDESERVING.
I want so badly to be left alone by everyone
because in all honesty, that's the only thing I DO deserve.

I don't trust anyone.
I don't believe people when they they love me.
And that's because I lie when I tell people I love them,
I'm lying through my teeth to get what I want.

I got the sickest, most unsettling feeling driving to Alexa's tonight.
For some reason, I honestly believed i was going to die somehow on the way there.
I'm not sure why, but I felt like somewhere deep inside of me,
I knew I was driving my last few miles on that highway.
I hate this feeling so much.
Nothing makes me happy anymore.
I don't even know where all of this is coming from.

I just feel like i'm not doing right in my life.
I'm so scared that I'm wasting it away.
What if I died tomorrow? Or tonight even?
Who would care?
Oh yeah, no one.
Cause all of my "close" friends bailed on me after high school.
With the exception of a few, of course.
I'm trying SO god damn hard to be happy,
but I'm not. Not truly, anyway.
I'm just forcing myself.
Forcing a smile on my face for the sake of others.
Behind that smile though, I'm hiding thousands of secrets.
Dark secrets that would disgust you.

But do you want to know one of the many secrets, I hide?
It's not that dark or juicy, but it's a secret none the less.
I literally don't sleep at night.
I wake up every hour shaking, drenched in sweat, completely panic-stricken.
It's like all the things I fear are stored in the
black bags that weigh so heavily, underneath my eyes.
It's a burdon. Such a burdon.
And I'm carrying it alone.
I'm shouldering all this pain and guilt and no one sees it.
Maybe they do. Maybe they see, but they just don't care.
I could speak up. I could tell them. I could ask for more help.
But Jesus Christ, where would I start?
Then again, why should I even think of making my burdens someone else's problem?
People have enough shit to carry on their backs,
why should they have to add mine to their own?

When will it all get better?
When will all these scared-shitless, hateful feeling leave?
I feel demons inside of me, hiding behind my eyes. Angry ones at that.
I'm terrified that they'll never go away.
Therapy isn't helping. I'm feeling like my time is running up
even though everyone says it's just begun.
These demons are eating away at my soul.
I can physically feel it.
And it's the most horrifying feeling in the world.
No one could understand. Because I don't even understand.
I just want to be able to sleep again.
That's all. That's all.

(Oh and on a side note, I've stopped eating again.
I refuse to be a fat, gluttonous fuck any longer.
So watch me, as once again, I begin to wither away.)



(Lyrics: http://www.lyricsty.com/angels-airwaves-anxiety-lyrics.html)