I feel as though I shouldn't be writing this. I don't know what I'm feeling, and I don't want anyone to judge me for the words I'm about to say. Take nothing to heart, because I'm about to name names. I just sort of want to clear my head and be able to think out loud so to speak. Maybe if I see it in writing, I'll be able to sort this all out. This is my entire love life starting from November 2009. Enjoy.

Mari, I knew from the minute we had that conversation on myspace a year and a half ago, I loved the hell outta you. I knew because talking to you gave me butterflies. it made me forget everyone else. it made me happy/excited/nervous everything you could imagine. But I think most importantly, it made me feel loyal. I never wanted anyone other than you because the way you made me feel was indescribable. I loved you so devoutly, I was blinded though. I couldn't see the trouble that was headed our way. For 6 months I blamed you for breaking my heart when really, I think deep down, I knew it was my own. I shouldn't have fallen for someone who was already so in love with someone else; It was a disaster. I think that's what ruined love for me. I tried so hard to be the best for you, to put you on this pedestal that I couldn't even reach on my tippy-toes and eventually, I raised you so far up in to the clouds that when you eventually fell down, you destroyed everything in your path. You took every emotion and ounce of love from me with you when you went away, when it didn't even belong to you. You made me scared to trust again. You made me afraid to be faithful again. But do you know why? Because subconsciously, I was afraid that I'd give my all to someone again and they'd leave me in the dirt where they found me. So I tried replacing you.

Paige and Miranda were replacements. I used them to fill in the hole you left. Little did I know that while I was using Paige, she was using me. Little did I know that while I was falling out of Miranda, she was falling in to me. Little did I know, this shit would fuck me up even more. So this is basically how these two came in to play:
I liked Paige because she liked me. We dated for a few hours, then she dumped me over the internet. She starting flirting with Miranda at school to piss me off. I started to flirt with Miranda to piss her off. I started dating Miranda to stab Paige through the heart. Paige decided she wanted me back and insisted I dump Miranda. I did. I went back to Paige. Paige left for the summer, so I cheated on her with Miranda. I lied and told Miranda I loved her so she would let me hook up with her. It was good for a while...but then I got scared again, so I cheated on her, told her I never loved her and bailed.
To you Paige Allen: Go fuck yourself & To you Miranda Pelton: I'm so sorry for everything. I really do mean that

Then there was Desiree; A lustful impulse hook-up of mine to help me cope with needing to feel better about using Miranda. We hooked up, she moved, perfect ending.

Then school started. I started talking to Kyle, Crystal and Amanda all at once. It was hard to juggle, but I thought I had it all figured out. Kyle went to the Villages (perfect school boyfriend material), Crystal had a bf and would just wanna hook up anyway and I barely knew Amanda at this point. ALL WAS GOOD. Then Kyle fucked me over by getting his dick licked by a nasty ass girl. Bridge Burnt. Crystal and I hooked up, then she wanted nothing to do with me again because of her boyfriend. Bridge Burnt. Then Amanda started dating Nelson. Bridge Burnt. I got locked out of all three people's lives in a matter of days and a new lesson was learned. TRUST NO ONE. So then I start talking to Dakota. It went nowhere, but I didn't try that hard. Maybe it was because of all the bullshit that went down? Maybe I was scared of being hurt yet again? But then again...I went in to these situations KNOWING what I was doing was wrong, so why was I surprised when I got fucked over?

Anyway; So I guess I figure by December 2010 I'm ready for someone new. Who better than my best friend that's liked me since last Junior year, Kris? Basically: I get him to break up with Amy, fall for me, lick my pussy a few times, cheat on him with 3 people and when shit started to get serious, AGAIN, I get scared and leave. Not to mention I also was still talking to Amanda through our whole relationship (even though she had been dating James at this point). So I broke up with him. The best thing I ever had, I pushed away. Stupidity at its finest.

(keep in mind that Amanda Rankin has been in and outta the picture for 7 months at this point)

SO after the break up, I met Sydney. I had that girl in the palm of my hand, but I used her..and I knew it was wrong, but like a heartless bitch, I didn't care. With Syd, I turned her for me, I got her to cheat on her bf with me, I got her to break up with him for me, then I decided I didn't want her because I met someone new. Elizabeth. What a fucking girl. She's seriously just so amazing to me. But this blog has been dedicated to her for a while, and im assuming everyone knows how wonderful I think she is so I won't go in to detail. So Elizabeth and I's relationship was supposed to be be strictly hooking up. No emotions. No love. No strings attatched. You would think after all the shitty stuff I've done, this would be no problem, right? HA. If only it were that simple. Like an idiot, I fell for the kid. So genuinely too. God, I really would give anything to be with her, but after everything I out these poor boys & girls through, how could I truly expect that to happen. Elizabeth was placed in my life by karma. Karma wanted to teach me a lesson and it sure as fuck did.

I played good people for so long because I was scared of getting hurt and I wanted to protect my heart.
But then, like a fool, I went and let my love loose on a girl who couldn't love me the same way and unknowingly left my heart in worse condition than what she found it in. What an ironic twist of fate. And here I am trying to get over her through talking to Jen. Oh my god...that's what I'm doing. Jen doesn't mean to me what I WANT her to, which is why I have no problem with talking to Matt, Dan and Randy at the same time as well. I'm awful. I don't deserve anyone. It's like when I grow to love someone, they dont love me. When someone grows to love me, I don't love them. And when someone and I start to love each other, shit pulls us away and keeps us apart. I will never win in this world. Why? Because I'm a user. I'm a liar. I'm a player. I'm a manipulator. But I also love too god damn much for my own good.

I always go back and wonder though: Had I Mari never broken my heart, who would I be today?